By Karen L. Smith
Everyone is always giving out tips, generally in lists of ten. Well, here’s a list, in no particular order—ten, naturally—to check if you’re a writer or not.
One: Talk about writing to everyone you know, but never actually sit down and write. Talk about how wonderful it will be when you hit the NY Times Bestseller list, about what you’re going to do with your millions from the advance check, and what you’ll wear on all those morning news programs. But never, ever, pick up a pencil and a pad of paper and write a line of dialog, or a description. By all means, avoid your computer, and don’t even consider a typewriter, even if you can find one.
Two: Never read industry publications to learn about trends in romance publishing. Eschew the RWR, avoid Writer’s Digest, use the Update to start fires or wrap fish. Instead, get your information from your Aunt Myrtle who had an article idea rejected once in 1950 when she submitted her “Can This Marriage Be Saved” story to Ladies Home Journal. Under no circumstances surf the web for cool writer’s sites. Ignorance is bliss and we want to stay happy.
Three: Join WRW, but never attend meetings. I suppose if you really wanted to bollux up your chances for publication you could simply never join WRW, but who would you have to talk to if you didn’t belong? (See #1) And, you’d never get the chance to read this keen list.
Four: If you attend meetings, never, under any circumstances, (and no matter how much your writer pals encourage you to), never use any of the information you get in meetings to enhance your chances to write a compelling book. I mean, who are these people anyway? Just because they’ve actually written a book, sold it, gone through the trials and tribulations of revisions, the challenge of publicizing it—you know, all the work. Why would they have anything useful to share?
Five: Under no circumstances are you ever to volunteer to do any job, regardless how small. Volunteering will force you to interact with the other writers in the group. Volunteering will give you chances to know these people, to form friendships, to network, to pick up ideas and helpful hints. Working on a WRW project might put you in contact with (Say it softly) editors or agents. Heavens, you wouldn’t want that, would you? Absolutely not.
Six: If you have actually written something, do not join a critique group, ever. I’ll admit that critique groups aren’t for everyone, but if you are tempted to think you might enjoy or benefit from associating with other writers, resist this impulse. Critique groups will only provide regular input on your style, your characters, your plot—all those messy things you don’t want to worry about. Although, it will give you a captive audience to talk about the book you haven’t written. (See #1)
Seven: Do not be swayed by others’ enthusiastic anecdotes about the WRW Retreat. Also, do not be tempted by the impressive list of speakers or workshop topics. The WRW Retreat represents the best of the best and would offer you entirely too much usable information, too many key industry insights, too many opportunities to network with the people who are actually in the business. Don’t be cajoled. If you must attend the Retreat, go for the food.
Eight: If you are tempted to get involved with the actual running of the group by being on the board, or on a programs committee, or by helping on fundraising ideas, call your Aunt Myrtle and force her to talk you out of it. This is Advanced Volunteering and is even more dangerous than regular volunteering, because you have a chance to shape the way the chapter runs, you would get to help pick the topics for programs, or select the speakers for the retreat. Next thing you know you’ll be wanting to go to the National Convention (conveniently located in D.C. this summer) and you definitely don’t want to do that.
Nine: Never attend other chapter’s meetings, conferences, or enter their contests. After all, the more people you know, the more feedback you get, the more information you have about this industry, the more prepared you’ll be to actually be a writer. In a word, ew!
Ten: Completely miss the point that this list is so tongue in cheek that my tongue has practically poked through the cheek in question. Take all this advice to heart, never write your book, and never experience the soul-deep satisfaction of completing something zillions of people talk about (See #1) but never do—writing a book.
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Karen L. Smith is Past President of Washington Romance Writers. Her first book, Meridith’s Wish, will be relelased by Leisure in October 2000.
