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Everyone is always giving out tips,
generally in lists of ten. Well, here's a list, in no particular
order - ten, naturally - to check if you're a writer or not.
One: Talk about writing to everyone
you know, but never actually sit down and write. Talk about
how wonderful it will be when you hit the NY Times Bestseller
list, about what you're going to do with your millions from
the advance check, and what you'll wear on all those morning
news programs. But never, ever, pick up a pencil and a pad
of paper and write a line of dialog, or a description. By
all means, avoid your computer, and don't even consider a
typewriter, even if you can find one.
Two: Never read industry publications
to learn about trends in romance publishing. Eschew the RWR,
avoid Writer's Digest, use the Update to start fires or wrap
fish. Instead, get your information from your Aunt Myrtle
who had an article idea rejected once in 1950 when she submitted
her "Can This Marriage Be Saved" story to Ladies Home Journal.
Under no circumstances surf the web for cool writer's sites.
Ignorance is bliss and we want to stay happy.
Three: Join WRW, but never attend meetings.
I suppose if you really wanted to bollux up your chances for
publication you could simply never join WRW, but who would
you have to talk to if you didn't belong? (See #1) And, you'd
never get the chance to read this keen list.
Four: If you attend meetings, never,
under any circumstances, (and no matter how much your writer
pals encourage you to), never use any of the information you
get in meetings to enhance your chances to write a compelling
book. I mean, who are these people anyway? Just because they've
actually written a book, sold it, gone through the trials
and tribulations of revisions, the challenge of publicizing
it - you know, all the work. Why would they have anything
useful to share?
Five: Under no circumstances are you
ever to volunteer to do any job, regardless how small. Volunteering
will force you to interact with the other writers in the group.
Volunteering will give you chances to know these people, to
form friendships, to network, to pick up ideas and helpful
hints. Working on a WRW project might put you in contact with
(Say it softly) editors or agents. Heavens, you wouldn't want
that, would you? Absolutely not.
Six: If you have actually written something,
do not join a critique group, ever. I'll admit that critique
groups aren't for everyone, but if you are tempted to think
you might enjoy or benefit from associating with other writers,
resist this impulse. Critique groups will only provide regular
input on your style, your characters, your plot - all those
messy things you don't want to worry about. Although, it will
give you a captive audience to talk about the book you haven't
written. (See #1)
Seven: Do not be swayed by others'
enthusiastic anecdotes about the WRW Retreat. Also, do not
be tempted by the impressive list of speakers or workshop
topics. The WRW Retreat represents the best of the best and
would offer you entirely too much usable information, too
many key industry insights, too many opportunities to network
with the people who are actually in the business. Don't be
cajoled. If you must attend the Retreat, go for the food.
Eight: If you are tempted to get involved
with the actual running of the group by being on the board,
or on a programs committee, or by helping on fundraising ideas,
call your Aunt Myrtle and force her to talk you out of it.
This is Advanced Volunteering and is even more dangerous than
regular volunteering, because you have a chance to shape the
way the chapter runs, you would get to help pick the topics
for programs, or select the speakers for the retreat. Next
thing you know you'll be wanting to go to the National Convention
(conveniently located in D.C. this summer) and you definitely
don't want to do that.
Nine: Never attend other chapter's
meetings, conferences, or enter their contests. After all,
the more people you know, the more feedback you get, the more
information you have about this industry, the more prepared
you'll be to actually be a writer. In a word, ew!
Ten: Completely miss the point that
this list is so tongue in cheek that my tongue has practically
poked through the cheek in question. Take all this advice
to heart, never write your book, and never experience the
soul-deep satisfaction of completing something zillions of
people talk about (See #1) but never do - writing a book.
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